Rape by Jelly Bean
by FrUKing Awesome Canadian Hero
Summary: Hilarious drabble based on one of my maddest and most loved headcanons; of manliness, jelly beans, fangirls and James's left shoe. Let the post-concert crack begin! Beatles!Marauders; mild Remus/Sirius.


**A/N: Well, this one is... interesting. Written at one in the morning last night, on a sudden Beatles rampage because my dad got out _The Beatles: Unauthorized _to - and I quote - 'show me some fangirls'. I found their epic squealing hysterically funny, and thus, this was born.**

**For some reason Peter is strangely absent. I can't say I really care all that much. And just fyi, I know absolutely nothing about the Beatles; this just popped into my head and screamed that it had to be written. **

**Enjoy! I don't own the Beatles or the Marauders.**

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"That... was bloody brilliant," Remus muttered, smiling in spite of himself as he let his head fall back against the wall behind his chair; he was sweaty to the point of actually having stripped to cool off, so spent he could hardly move, and loving every minute of it. He'd never had so much fun before in his life—and when he'd been a Marauder since he was eleven years old, that was most definitely saying something. He didn't even care that he'd torn his shirt nearly in half to get it off.

James laughed, peeling off his jacket and tossing it down on the floor to join Remus's jacket, ruined shirt and tie in the sweat-soaked heap. He whooped, punching the air and letting his arm fall limply at his side, the grin never leaving his face as he put his glasses back on.

The door opened again, exposing them both to another tsunami of deafening screaming from outside, before slamming shut again and leaving James, Sirius and Remus to exchange looks and just burst out laughing all over again.

"Jelly beans," Sirius chuckled, his normally smooth and deep voice strained and hoarse from singing, throwing himself down in the chair next to Remus. "In all my life, I have never taken a jelly bean to the crotch and had it _hurt_. I'm just glad it didn't go flying at 50 miles per hour and hit my eye!"

James laughed. "Merlin, Sirius, unless you get that hair cut to something less flattering soon you're going to be at risk of rape by hoards of fangirls. Not to mention jelly beans. Hell, we're all at risk of rape by fangirls and jelly beans."

Remus just grinned and shook his head, opening his book to the page where he'd left off before he felt Sirius's head on his shoulder, nose buried in his neck.

"Mmm, shirtless Ringo... I could get used to this!" Sirius grinned against his skin, nipping one of his scars. Remus biffed him gently.

"Don't call me that!" he scolded, laughing when Sirius nipped him again.

"_Ringo_," James grinned. Remus sighed and shoved Sirius away, rolling his eyes.

"Honestly, you two are impossible," he laughed, leaning back in his chair again and folding his arms behind his head. Sirius's evil grin grew to match James's.

"And you are dead sexy on drums," he replied without missing a beat.

"I just like letting go, that's all," Remus shrugged, too tired and high off post-performance adrenaline to blush.

"You most certainly do," James snorted. "You didn't even go that crazy when we pranked the entire Slytherin house to have red and gold skin and hair for a day."

Now Remus really did blush, smiling sheepishly. "It was just _fun_," he said, a grin breaking across his face a second later as he cursed the English language for not giving him a better word to describe the pure, ecstatic rush of joyous craze that always infected him when they went onstage. "And damn, I love singing. I'm glad you let me do that song."

James smirked. "Of course, I'm sure all the fangirls were sad to take a break from my lovely voice, but..."

Sirius snorted, sliding his arm around Remus's shoulders. "What about me, huh, _Johnnie_? I seem to remember them screaming louder for dear handsome Paul than they did for you," he shot back playfully.

James scoffed and threw his shoe at Sirius.

"Rape by shoe!" Sirius screeched.

"Oi, Siri, at least get your bloody sleeves off if you're going to cuddle me!" a disgruntled Remus interrupted, trying to squirm away from where Sirius's overly warm jacket was sticking uncomfortably to his sweaty shoulders. Sirius laughed, leaning over to rub their noses together quickly before tearing off his jacket and shirt, chucking them and James's shoe down to join the pile in the middle of the floor.

"Here, take this as well," James grinned, loosening the laces on his other shoe and kicking it off, to send it flying in Sirius's direction after the other one.

"Rape by other shoe!" Sirius screeched again, ducking as it hit the wall with a thunk. The shoe tumbled down to land on his back and fall between his arse and the back of the chair. James was snorting with laughter as Sirius turned to Remus and looked at him with the biggest, most innocent eyes he could muster.

"Remmie, I've been violated," he stated, and Remus too burst into a fit of laughter.

Soon the air was thick with flying objects—including jelly beans—and the three Marauders had all been raped numerous times, their throats sore from laughing and singing and yelling, and before they knew it they'd all fallen into a stinky, sweaty, laughing heap of ninteen-year-old boy in the middle of the floor. Sirius looked rather ridiculous with no shirt or jacket and only his bowtie left, and the sight of him with his hair mussed and blue eyes shining joyfully brought another smile to Remus's face, as he let the shaggy black dog lean in to kiss the tip of his nose. James grinned, glasses askew, arms around his two best friends and completely at peace with the world.

"I still think we should've picked a different band name," Sirius finally said, completely ruining the atmosphere.

Remus snorted. "What, you _wanted _us to be known to the entire world as the Marauders? Siri, it's a great name and all, but every Muggle who knows us knows us as the characters in a book series. And even I'm not nerdy enough to want them to think we named ourselves after characters in a book."

James grinned, rumpling Sirius's hair. "Besides, I think the Beatles is a charming name."

"Yeah, just like your voice is 'lovely'," Sirius grumbled.

"Hey, my voice _is _lovely!" James protested.

"And mine's manly; what's your point?" Sirius smirked.

"I have been more awesome than you since birth," James shot back sniffily.

"And I am so manly I shag a werewolf in bed every night," Sirius grinned as James blanched. "I'm still not seeing your point."

Remus groaned and conked his head down against the floor. "And I am not participating in the manliness talk," he muttered.

"You're so manly you take it up the ass from the one and only Sirius Black every night!" Sirius burst out with _way _too much enthusiasm; Remus just sighed resignedly, shutting his eyes to block out his friends' happy bickering.

Half an hour later, their manager, and James's girlfriend, Lily Evans, walked in to find them all asleep in a snoring, drooling heap in the middle of the floor.


End file.
